its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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