Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
