my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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