where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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