As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
