i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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