I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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