so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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