You're so nebulous sometimes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
