I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
