My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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