You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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