Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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