just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
