Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
