the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
