she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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