he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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