Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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