I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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