the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
