There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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