I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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