peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
