I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
