I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
