I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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