I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
