Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
