You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
