Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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