Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
