I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse