I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.