i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My bed smells like the plague
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
