Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
