I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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