You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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