Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
