Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dick very happy bro
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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