please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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