Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
