i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
