My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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