Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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