i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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