I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
