Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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