shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
