I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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