I just made out with a guy for $7.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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