On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
