her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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