i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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