maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize