Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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