So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i out mim tonsoeep
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