just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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