Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
