Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
