My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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