I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
